Choices
by narni4eva
Summary: After two years of living together, Gaara risks losing Naruto through his inability to communicate how he really feels.
1. Chapter 1

CHOICES – GAANARU

Chapter One

My name is Gaara. Some people call me a monster. Some people want to kill me because of the demon that lives inside me. It made me into a killer. But then everything changed.

Living with Naruto, I've had the best two years of my life. We've only been together for half the time because of our duties, but every day was worth it. For one such as me who lived so totally alone, to finally gain love and companionship is so unbearably wonderful that sometimes I have to pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming.

He doesn't understand the fact that I'm finding it hard. Everything is so simple for him, so black and white. But it's not like that. Not really. Things are much more complicated than he realises. He doesn't understand that if I cry, it's not because he's making me unhappy. It's because I'm making me unhappy.

When we go out in public I can hardly stand the stares. I thought people would be more accepting. I thought they would support us. Instead they whisper about us and point as we pass by, and mutter about how disgusting and unnatural it is for two boys to be in love.

It's not everyone, of course. Our friends have learned to deal with the fact that we're a couple, that we're in love. But I already knew they would. Naruto, he just walks around with his head in the clouds, completely oblivious. Sometimes I wonder whether he'll ever start acting nineteen. Then I think to myself that yes, he will – when he's in his thirties.

Well, all of that is just background noise compared with the real problem. It's me. No matter what I do, I can't stop torturing myself. I think I love him too much. The thought of him leaving or dying or not really loving me has become so unbearable that I can't stop imagining it. Every time I fall asleep, every time I look at the sky or drift off in a daydream, I can see it happening in so many different ways. I hate it. I'm spending every day under a rain cloud, just waiting for it to happen.

I don't know what I would do if I lost him. He means so much to me. I'm… I'm crying just imagining it. He's the centre of my life, the reason for it, the cause of my whole existence. Without him, I'm nothing. Really nothing. Just another killing machine. I would rather die.

I always said he was the only one who understands me. But sometimes… sometimes he doesn't. He's naïve. He came in the other day, and saw me crying again. Just from the thought that I'm not good enough for him. That I don't deserve to keep him. He jumped to the wrong conclusion, as usual.

"Gaara? Gaara, are you alright? Are you hurt? Gaara!" He shouted out, rushing towards me like a whirlwind. I could see how concerned he was. How worried he was.

"I'm… I'm fine, 'Ruto. Honestly." I said quietly. I didn't want to hurt him.

"No, you're… you're crying…" he kneeled in front of me, then leaned forward to draw me into a hug. I sniffled into his shoulder, knowing it was too obvious to deny.

"I'm sorry to worry you." I said. It's always like this. Me never knowing how to explain, him getting more and more worried. I wish I knew how to break the cycle.

He pulled back, and looked me in the eye. "Why won't you ever tell me what's wrong? I'm here for you! You can trust me, you know you can!"

"I'm sorry." I said again, hanging my head. I can't even look at him when he's like that. I know he'll never be satisfied with my answer. I know he'll start to blame himself.

"That's not good enough, Gaara!" Naruto replied. I looked up; this was different. "I'm tired of you always being sorry! Why can't you just trust me? Why can't you just tell me?"

"I want to… I…"

"Then do! No matter what it is, I promise I won't stop loving you. We've got to trust each other!"

"I do trust you."

"Then tell me!"

I looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, unable to find any words to explain. Part of me knows I'm not trying as hard as I could, out of fear that he'll laugh, think I'm being stupid and pathetic. He closes his eyes for a moment, then shakes his head.

"I can't stand this any more, Gaara. If you can't tell me what's going on… then that means we can't communicate properly. If we can't communicate…" he shook his head again, and sighed. "Just try it, Gaara!"

I stare at him. I try to speak, but my throat closes up and all my words are gone. How can I express the way I feel?

After a few moments, an angry look passes over his face and he stands up.

"Fine." He mutters, and turns and walks out of the room. "Since you obviously don't want me here… I'm not coming back." He adds over his shoulder as he pauses in the doorway. Then he takes a few more steps, and he's gone.


	2. Chapter 2

So, this is chapter two. Originally, on my dA account, this was voted by readers as to what Gaara should do, but now you guys get to enjoy the spoils with none of the effort ;)

* * *

CHOICES Chapter Two

I wait a few minutes, shocked, wondering what to do, then drag myself up off the floor and take off like a rocket. I have to catch him. Before it's too late.

Remember when I said I can't live without him? It's really true. I can feel my heart pounding away at my chest even now. It wants to break free, to follow him. I've got to catch him. I get to the end of the road outside our house and finally see a flash of orange. It's him.

I chase after him, putting on a fresh burst of speed. Even if I'm half-dead when I get to him, I don't care, so long as I do get there. I can't lose him now. He's running, too, but I get closer and closer and then I touch his shoulder. He half-turns… and dissolves into smoke. Damnit… it was a kage bunshin. Where's the real one? Where did he go?

Then I see it again, the jacket he wears, like some sort of beacon. I don't know why they let him wear it. I really don't know why. Actually, I'm going to say something to Tsunade, because if putting up with his tantrums about what he's not allowed to wear makes him less of a sitting duck, then I can put up with them. It's a small price to pay.

So I follow him, as fast as I can, really as fast as I can. It doesn't take long for me to catch up. He's right there in front of me – I reach out – and he's gone again, just another puff of smoke. Another piece of my heart crumbling into dust. I have to catch him before it's too late. I simply have to.

This is awful. Why did I let him leave? If I can't find him now then that's it. I'm done for. If he doesn't come back then I'm as good as dead. I need him. I need him so much.

Why did I wait so long? I should have just called to him as he was leaving, and made him stay. Or maybe tried to explain in the first place. I know that he likes to understand. It's just hard for me, right? It's really hard for me. I've always been alone, I'm not used to explaining myself. I'm not used to these feelings. I don't even understand them myself, how am I supposed to tell him?

I turn in a circle, then head for the road. If I was Naruto… if I was hurt, upset, and couldn't go home… where would I go? I can think of several options…. He might go see Iruka, maybe go to the Ichiraku Ramen bar, maybe Kakashi's or as a last resort Sakura's. I turn on the spot again, trying desperately to decide. Which would be the most likely?

I head towards the centre of Konoha, since it's a point I'll have to pass through to get to all of them. I see a few people along the way, and desperately ask them if they've seen him. One cringes away, like I'm some kind of demon; the others only shake their heads. Maybe he didn't go this way at all. But where else would he go?

I'm standing in the centre of two roads. One leads to Kakashi and Iruka, the other to Sakura and ramen. Where am I supposed to go? This is ridiculous, I've been living with him for two years and I still don't know who he goes to for comfort.

I guess it would usually be me.

I really need to find him.


	3. Chapter 3

Hope you're enjoying this - as before, people voted on my da account and chose that he should go to Sakura. And they were... well, you'll see :P

* * *

CHOICES Chapter Three

I spin around in the centre of the two roads, trying desperately to decide. I know he loves to eat at Ichiraku, but would he go there alone? Maybe he would go to Iruka – but perhaps he wouldn't think Iruka would be able to provide the right advice. Perhaps he would ask Kakashi… but are they close enough for that? I'm sure it's more of a parent-teacher relationship than an actual friendship. So, Sakura, then?

I can't think of any reasons against that, and Ichiraku is down that road too, so I head off, my clothes beginning to billow in the wind. It never occurred to me to change my style of dress here in Konoha, but now I'm regretting that. My robes are good in the desert country, but here they just get in the way. I feel hot and suffocated. Not too hot, of course, when you live in a desert this kind of feeling is normal. But it still makes running harder.

People are staring at me. I can almost hear what they're thinking. I That's him. The Kazekage. The freak with the sand. You know, the one who's shacked up with that other ninja, the loudmouth brat? It's disgusting, two men living together… /I They'll be talking about us for weeks over this. My ears are burning. I get this overwhelming sense of shame… the same one I always get. Why do I let them get to me? Why can't I just be proud that he's in love with me, that someone like him would even think twice about me? He could have anyone, with that winning smile and happy-go-lucky sense he gives to everyone around him. He's perfect.

I arrive at Sakura's house, out of breath and desperate. I knock on the door, and again, and again, it feels like ages but it's probably just a minute, and eventually she answers, frowning slightly. She looks a little angry. Probably because some freak has been banging loudly on her door for the past minute.

"Sakura!" I gasp out, not even bothering to greet her. This is too important for being polite. "Naruto – have you seen him? Has he been here? I need to find him!"

She makes a slowing gesture with her hands, and answers me. Slowly. She's too slow. Can't she see this is an emergency?

"Calm down, Gaara. What's going on?"

"He ran out! I need to find him! Please, just tell me, has he been here?" I ask again, my voice taking a pleading tone. I think she can tell from my face how desperate I am. I can't lose him over this!

"Sorry, Gaara. He isn't here, and I haven't seen him." Sakura says, looking disappointed that she couldn't help. There's no time to thank her. I wheel around and run back towards Ichiraku.

Doesn't take long before I'm there, looking at the banners and lanterns hanging outside it. There's no time to stand on ceremony or try and look calm. I just run in. Sure, I get some weird looks, but I don't care. Compared to losing him, what does it matter? What does anything matter? I need him more than life.

He's not there. I search every face once, twice, but it's all hopeless. He's not there. I went the wrong way.

I shout to the bartender, ask him the same as I asked Sakura, but he just shakes his head, a little taken aback. Everyone there knows who Naruto is. Everyone there knows who I am. How can they not? We're in there most of the time, with him twisting my arm and putting on those puppy-dog eyes until I buy him ramen.

I run out again, and that's when I realise it's raining. Perfect. Just perfect. Now I'll be even slower. I guess the only good thing is that he will, too.

There's only one choice left, then. I run back, retracing my steps. Kakashi, or Iruka. Kakashi, or Iruka.

Kakashi, or Iruka?

* * *

Yes, they were wrong. There is one more chapter left to come!


	4. Chapter 4

Voters on dA chose Iruka. Enjoy :)

* * *

CHOICES Chapter Four

I feel like time is running out with every drop of rain that hits my face. Where is he? _Where is he?_ Dammnit… I have to choose, I have to choose now! Taking a deep breath, I run in the direction that seems best. The place where he would get advice, maybe a place to stay for a while, and fatherly affection. And most important of all, ramen. I go for Iruka.

It takes me a few moments to realise that I'm almost flying, subconsciously pouring all of my chakra into my feet so I can get there just that little bit faster. I'm running out of stamina. My fighting style usually involves little movement, I'm not used to covering so much distance in such a physical way. It's hard. I think I'm failing.

I finally get to the house and it's the most welcome sight I've ever seen. I hammer on the door, so eager to get inside I barely notice that I hit the door hard enough to splinter it. I need him. I need him. Please, please say he's here.

Iruka answers the door, slowly, carefully. He knew it was me before he opened it. He keeps his eyes carefully on the floor when he says, "You're not wanted here, Gaara."

I stare at him.

"Naruto's here?" I ask.

"You're not wanted." He repeats. He can't look at me. He actually can't do it. Naruto's there, he must be.

"Let me talk to him." I say.

"Please, Gaara, just leave."

"Let me talk to him!" I repeat, and my voice breaks halfway through. I'm desperate. I'm crying. My god, I'm actually crying in front of someone I hardly know. Iruka finally looks up now, and I can see his will break. He steps out of the way.

"Second room on the right." He says.

I run. I just run. I can't stop now. I'm so close. I burst through the door, and he's there, wrapped up in a blanket and staring into a fire, shaking. He looks up at the noise and I see tear tracks on his face. I fall, crashing to my knees in the doorway.

"Naruto, please forgive me! Please, I - I didn't want you to go - I love you - please - I'll tell you anything you want, I'll talk about everything, please, please! Don't leave me!" I sob, powerless against my emotions. "Don't leave me…"

Naruto looks at me for a moment in silence. I get the horrible, heart-breaking feeling he's going to push me away. Then his eyes spill over again and he leaps towards me, pulling me into an embrace. He wraps his arms around my head and neck and I bury my face into his shoulder. It feels so good. Like the most comforting thing in the world, only better, because it's Naruto. I'm crying even harder but I don't think it's just from the sadness any more.

"Gaara," he says, "Why do you have to hold yourself so secret?"

I lift my face again, and shake my head. "I don't know… it's so hard… so hard to tell you how I feel, I've never done this before! And I'm so scared that I'm not good enough for you, that you'll just think I'm pathetic and hate me. 'Ruto, you can't ever hate me, I would _die_, I -"

"Shh-shh-shhh…" Naruto soothed me, stroking my hair back out of my eyes. "It's alright. I'll never hate you. You could kill me and destroy everything I love and sell Konoha to the Akatsuki and fall in love with a girl and I would still love you. And you'll always be good enough for me. My standards are really high, right? The future Hokage has to choose his partners carefully. You know why I say they're high?"

"Why?" I murmur, drawn in to his words.

"Because I always set just one criteria for the people I fall in love with - they have to be you."

I smile, finally. A tiny, weak, tear-drowned smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"Thank you, 'Ruto."

"It's fine. I'm just telling you the truth." Naruto replies. At that moment, I realise - he's really grown up lately.

"Are you boys going home?" Iruka asks, from the doorway. I wonder how long he was there. Actually, no; I don't care.

"What do you think, Gaara? Wanna go home?" Naruto asks.

I nod. I think it's time for a talk.

* * *

Dramatic music Iiiiiiits over!

I would have liked to have carried this on a bit, but unfortunately time was against me - I can't really do regular updates what with all my a-level courses and my 'serious' writing (not that this isn't serious - in fact I take it very seriously :p) so I had to let it drop there.

Though, I do love this pairing so much... flounces off to write another


End file.
